


Beans on Toast

by alizaporter



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, beans on toast, just being silly, precinct shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:14:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24871360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alizaporter/pseuds/alizaporter
Summary: Raymond discovers a culinary innovation.
Relationships: Kevin Cozner/Ray Holt, Ray Holt & Jake Peralta
Comments: 5
Kudos: 67





	Beans on Toast

“Captain! I see you’re in a good mood today!”

Jake sauntered into Holt’s office, breakfast burrito in hand. Captain Holt was eating plain, flavorless beans from a bowl, slowly savoring the lack of taste. Cheddar was having difficulties defecating this morning and Raymond had to call the veterinarian. Therefore, he did not have time to eat a plain bagel at home for breakfast, instead resorting to his backup “work beans”.

“On the contrary Peralta, I’ve had a frustrating morning with Cheddar. He is constipated and I need to take an early lunch to pick up his medication today. 

“Oh, those are your work beans. My bad. But hey, we’re twinsies!”

Jake took a big bite of his breakfast bean burrito, showing Holt the inside. Raymond wrinkled his nose in disgust. 

“Eggs and tortillas should not be combined together. I cannot even look at this abomination, Peralta.”

Jake shoved the rest in his mouth, unable to talk while he forced the rest down his throat. Captain Holt did not fill the silence. Instead he continued to eat his beans while reading the report for the B&E Rosa had solved last week. It was then that he had a brilliant idea, and ran out.

“Peralta! I called you in here to go over the crime stats!”

“I’LL BE RIGHT BACK CAPTAIN”

Jake ran towards the kitchen, thrusting an open cabinet and pulling out Charles’ bread box. He had made some homemade wheat over the weekend, the captain’s favorite. He put a slice in the toaster and ran back into Holt’s office, seeing he was halfway done with his beans. He grabbed the bowl from the captain’s desk, causing Holt to stand and follow him, annoyed and angry. By then, the toast was ready. 

With Holt hovering behind him, Jake took the spoon and lathered the remaining beans on top of the cooling piece of toast. Scully watched with hunger and interest. Charles watched with disgust. This was a meal he remembered eating as a child, while his mother worked late nights before she made enough money as an art teacher. He had found a can of beans in the back of the cabinet and the end piece of bread, but it was all he had. It turns out it was delicious. Holt’s two favorite foods were beans and plain, unbuttered toast; nothing could go wrong here.  
Jake spun around and presented the toast on a plate, beans dripping off in delicious brown glory. Captain Holt frowned.

“Why have you wasted the rest of my beans and a piece of Charles’ excellent wheat bread? Now I’ve only had half a breakfast. I don’t have time for this.”

Before Holt could walk away, Jake stopped him. “Sir, wait. Just try a bite. I promise. If you don’t like it, you can have a week’s worth of overtime from me, for free.”

“The negatives greatly outweigh the positives in this situation. Very well. I will eat your… creation.”

Captain Holt studied the plate Jake was holding. 

“How am I supposed to eat this? Do I need a fork? It seems very unsanitary. If I need more than one napkin to eat something, I might as well not eat it at all.”

“You pick it up with both hands and just bite it. Sir, the overtime.”

Holt sighed and picked up the toast. A few beans dripped onto the plate. By now, the entire precinct was observing them with interest. He gave Jake one last look of exasperation, and took a bite. The effect was instantaneous. His eyes widened, and he took another bite, followed by several more. In a matter of seconds, the toast had disappeared. He even picked up the fallen beans off the plate and ate them, with his hands. As he ran for the napkins, the detectives cheered. After wiping his face, he turned to Jake.

“Peralta. You are a GENIUS! I must call Kevin immediately.”

Holt rushed to his office and closed the door. Terry spoke up.

“He doesn’t really think you invented that, does he? The British eat that all the time.”

Jake put a finger to his mouth. “SHHHH he thinks I’m a genius!”

Terry turned to ignore him, and the excitement settled. The only person left watching was Scully.

“Scully, we don’t have any more beans. I can’t make you one.”

“You should’ve planned for this!” Scully yelled angrily, storming off.

\-------

“Personally, I don’t like beans on toast. It makes the bread soggy.”

“Not by a significant amount, Kevin. The crust of the toast is still crunchy and in tact. The beans FLAVOR the toast!”

Kevin bent over, mixing Cheddar’s medicinal paste with his food. Cheddar nudged his hand, trying to get his first bite. Raymond was eating the piece of toast he had made for Kevin, after he had refused this culinary innovation. It was so wondrous, he was even considering giving a small bite to Cheddar. On occasion, Raymond and Kevin would let him have a small bite of human food. Cheddar loved beans as much as any respectable man.

“Raymond, the doctor called me to inform me we are not taking Cheddar out enough. I will add a second daily walk to his schedule for the next two weeks. I’ll put it on the calendar.”

“That seems appropriate. Do you think I should give Cheddar some of my toast? Humans expel waste much faster with beans in their system and perhaps dogs do as well. It might help with his constipation issues.”

“Absolutely not. Cheddar and I have the same taste in food. He will not appreciate your soggy bean bread, Raymond. Peralta is a bad influence on you.”

“You think I have bad taste in food! I’m not the one who enjoys…” Raymond lowered his voice to a whisper. “Cheetos.”

“I thought we were going to keep that a SECRET! Not in front of Cheddar! It’s a once a month treat!”

“Fine. We agree to disagree. Will this interrupt our eight pm scheduled cuddling and Jeopardy?”

“Of course not. I’m not angry. I love you.”

Raymond allowed himself a smile. There was no man on earth he had ever loved more.

“I love you too.”


End file.
